I am shocked to hear the passing of James C Andrews (@JC_Andrews) this morning. A brilliant writer, photographer and journalist. An up-and-coming talent. A man who had so much potential and was destined to do absolutely brilliant things.

James took his own life on Tuesday evening, the 14th February.

Now, I never met James. I know it sounds bizarre to have a tribute for someone who you have never met, but for the last 18 months I have been chatting to him constantly on Twitter. He seemed absolutely lovely. He was funny, quirky and engaging. The work that he uploaded was unique and creative. His fashion sense was something that I grew particularly envious of.

The wonderful thing about platforms like Twitter is its ability to generate relationships with people you would never have met in everyday life. And I am so entirely grateful that I got to know James. I wish I knew him longer. I wish I, like many people who knew James, understood his personal situation a bit more and were willing to help.

There is still so much stigma surrounding mental health issues in the UK, but here are two facts. It is a killer and it can happen to anybody. There are no symptoms. It can be completely undetectable to friends and colleagues. Until Tuesday there was no sign at all on James’ Twitter feed that there was any problem in his life at all. Depression just eats you up inside. It brings even the most strongest and optimistic person around us crashing down to earth.

I urge that if you are ever depressed or suicidal to seek help immediately.

Rest in peace James.

Samaritans:

UK: 08457 90 90 90*
jo@samaritans.org
Chris, PO Box 9090, Stirling FK8 2SA

Mind:

0300 123 3393
info@mind.org.uk

Here’s an interview with him last year. Here is his blog showcasing his short stories and photography.

If anyone has got any work that they would like to share of his, please let me know.

I cannot wait another second to show you this.

Two months ago, the student television station YSTV, at the University of York, produced a drama called Checkmate. It has been done by students on a miniscule budget, but trust me on this one. Give yourself twenty minutes to watch it and then come back here to read my review of it.

Click here to watch it

It. Will. Blow. Your. Mind.

—

Checkmate

In many ways the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little, yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and themselves to our judgement. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face, is that in the grand scheme of things the average piece of junk is probably more meaningful than our criticism designating itself.

But there are times when a critic truly risks something, and that is in the discovery and defence of the new. The world is often unkind to new talent, new creations and the new needs friends. Last night I experienced something new, an extraordinary film from a singulalry unexpected source. To say that both the film and its maker have challenged my preconceptions about film, is a gross understatement.

I mean where should we start? The film tackled difficult and often unspoken issues within our society – the complexities of a threeway transatlantic bi-gay-straight male-male-female-male relationship, the lack of adequate training in the services industry (with the moving scene when a woman delivered the leads tap water in a mug and not a fucking cup of coffee). This may I add alongside a narrative that highlighted the on-going threat of international terrorism. All of this, may I add, within six minutes.

And that’s before we even got to the dialogue. And what dialogue.

“Chemistry is a FICKLE BITCH though. You can’t get a job without connections.”

“My dad died because of America. He was just minding his own business… and still…”

Powerful.

They’ve managed to put together statements that manage to say so much, and cleverly so little, at the same time. An artform.

And that’s before we get to the unending dialogue around the complexities of purchasing a new digital camera with a 50 millimetre lense with a great depth of field.

It has to also be said that the production and direction is a modern triumph as well. The three minutes where nothing happened apart from the sound of three or four piano keys being played in a quick succession whilst there was no other sound on screen… well that as you are already undoubtadely aware, inspired the Oscar-nominated film The Artist. I  also completely knew what the female lead was going through whilst she stumbled into a walk whilst making her way towards the house at 6 minutes 23 seconds precisely, so much so it was equally gut-wrenching to see it again exactly three minutes later.

Now of course there are criticisms by other critics that this film is not entirely accurate, but trust me, it is all just an act of snobbery. Take the lift scene for instance. There have been complaints that the time that it took the lift to travel between the floors, 98 seconds, was simply too long.

However let us compare this with the Empire State Building. This building has 86 floors in its main lift shaft (that’s from the bottom floor to the observation deck) and takes 1 minute and 20 seconds to travel from top to bottom. The lift at the University of York on the other hand takes roughly 30 seconds longer, so according to my calculations is therefore a third taller than the Empire State Building and has approximately 130 floors. As we all know then this is accurate, as of course, the University of York college is the second tallest building in earth, just behind the newly opened Burj Khalifa in Dubai, which is 820 metres in height and 160 floors (although I have to add here that to travel throughout that building you would need to take two lifts, not one).

All in all, this film has just changed my life. They have rocked me to my core. In the past I have made no secret for my disdain for YSTV’s famous motto “Anyone can film”, but I realise only now do I truly understand what it meant. Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere.

I’ll leave you with the new exclusive trailer of the film.

That is, in all the concept of the dating gameshow Playing it Straight, returning to E4 after a break on our screens for seven years. I guess the reason why this show is back on our screens again is because the lifestyles between gay and straight men are becoming more and more blurred. Since we all now buy a platter full of hair care and facial products on a daily basis (and occasionally follow the latest developments in Desperate Housewives) it is now harder to tell whether the average joe walking down the street is straight or gay.

And yes, according to the show’s first episode, it is harder to tell gay people and straight people apart. The single girl Cara found it very difficult to work it out who amongst the fitties didn’t swing her way. Filippo who she singled out as being straight ending up being gay, and Kyle who she suggested was gay ending up telling her that he was straight. The stereotypes are falling apart! The borders are becoming more blurred! Right?

Wrong. As a gay man, I have found it astonishing that this sort of entertainment show is still being commissioned in this day and age.

Let me tell you why.

My experience of coming out at school at 14 is one that I am not that fond of. I was comfortable with my sexuality from a very young age and I even came out in during a French class, uttering “Je suis homosexuelle” to a close friend whilst learning phrases from a French dictionary (I originally did plan to say that as a joke but could not remember how to say the phrase “Lol I’m joking” in French immediately afterwards, when asked whether what I said was actually true).

What I didn’t expect of was the reaction by the 400 or so others in the school who then, by the power of gossip over the next three-and-a-half hours, found out. From that day onwards, until the moment I left secondary school and escaped to Sixth Form, I was constantly bullied. You can guess what it was like. The standard name-calls of “queer” and “batty boy” when a teacher was out of ear shot, the flopping hands in front of my face movement and raising your voice to sound feminine when with a male friend for example. Crossing legs in a different way. ‘Flirting’ with different guys when I wasn’t. You know the drill. The standard.

The thing is, I didn’t consider myself to have any of these personality traits. To an extent I still don’t. Whenever I act hyperactive, I never considered it to be related to my sexuality. Its totally fine of course if you act in any way different than what is considered to be the “hetero” stereotype of course, but what made me angry and confused for all of those years was the perception that people were having of me. Why were people singling me out and treating me as I am this person I’m not? Am I really that different? Should I act in this way? Is that the way to be socially accepted if I fit this expectation they have of me?

I then had to think extra hard about the way I was acting in front of others at all time, just in case a certain mannerism I had was “found out” to be out of the ordinary. Never talk about gay topics or bring in gay related magazines. Never wear clothing that might be considered to be too loud in case I appear too camp. Downplay my sexuality as much as physically possible, just so I can feel normal and be happy with myself. And what developed instead? Deep self-loathing in who I was and who I ‘pretended’ to be.

So in the show Playing It Straight what did the presenter, Jameela Jamil, tell the guys in the first episode?: “Some of you have been lying about your sexuality, and it is Cara’s job to literally out you on the show. All I can tell you is that you’re going to have to put your butchest foot forward, as she is going to be eliminating each one of you that she think is gay throughout the show…”

They have to act butcher. They have to think extra hard about the way they are acting in front of peers and the girl in question, just in case a mannerism they have makes them found out to be out of the ordinary. This seems familiar.

The show comprises of little competitions to help Cara, and of course help the viewer at home of course, decide who the gays amongst them guys are. Dress up competitions (maybe if they like it too much they may be a gay!), one-on-one dates with Cara (maybe if they are a bad kisser they might be playing is straight!), ‘cockfights’ when the guys wrestle etc etc. You catch my drift.

Of course a guy might not be able wrestle, can’t kiss for the life of him and does feel comfortable dressing up in something that you would find in Debenhams and might be actually straight… but to the viewer there still seems to be this subtle message that these stereotypes exist and it is still possible, heck even recommended, to go and identify these subtle differences between gay and straight people throughout the show as a sort of game. Heck, you can even join in for fun on Twitter: “I don’t think straight men use the word ‘divine’”, a Twitter user wrote yesterday. ”I think the pastey posh one is also a gay” wrote another.

And what was it like for the people bullying me throughout my early teenage years? A game. A game where they could boast and taunt and celebrate every time I acted supposedly camp in front of them, the prize for me feeling confused and upset. A game that forced me to change who I was, just in case I was singled out and accused of being ‘different’ than everybody else.

Thanks Playing it Straight. Thanks for helping me remember how the game worked.

Playing It Straight E4. Mondays. 9pm.

Here is a typical front page:

Listed below is the paper’s every front page splash of that year.

Every single headline that this paper thought mattered.

So… what happened?

—

The Royal Wedding

SEXY STAG STRIPPERS FOR WILLS (13th Feb)
KATE, YOU NEED CAKE (21st Apr)
ROYAL BABY ON WAY (27th Apr)
ONE’S BOUND TO SCORE TOMORROW WILLS (28th Apr)
HAPPIEST DAY OF OUR LIVES (29th Apr)
ONE BEAUTIFUL BRIDE… ONE GREAT DAY TO BE BRITISH (30th Apr)
WE’RE OFF FOR A QUICKIE (1st May)
KATE’S BACK UP AISLE (6th May)
WILLS AND KATE SEXY HOLIDAY SECRETS (11th May)
PIPPA PERVS (29th May)
OWZAT! PIPPA CAUGHT OUT AND HE’S HOT (12th Jun)
PIPPA’S POSH LOVE NEST (19th Jun)
THE ROYAL SHACK PALACE (3rd Jul)
KATY FURY OVER FAKE ANOREXIA PICS (6th Jul)
ROYAL THIGHNESS (9th Jul)
KATE’S BABY SECRET (31st Jul)
KATE GETS A HOME FOR NEW BABY (6th Nov)
KATE SNUBS ROYAL GUN FEST (27th Dec)

Then of course, the other Wills and Kate of our lives, Jordan and Peter…
THE END: JORDAN AND ALEX CONFIRM THEIR DIVORCE (12th Jan)
JORDAN AND THE TRUTH (13th Jan)
PICS THAT WRECKED JORDAN’S MARRIAGE (17th Jan)
JORDAN’S £1M GAG FOR ALEX (15th Jan)
JORDAN: A DIFFERENT MAN EVERY NIGHT (14th Jan)
JORDAN IN SHOCK DIVORCE BREAKDOWN (18th Jan)
ALEX FLEES IN THE NIGHT (19th Jan)
JORDAN – ALEX STILL MAKES ME SLEEP WITH HIM (20th Jan)
ALEX AND ANDRE UNITE AGAINST JORDAN (25th Jan)
JORDAN V POSH: IT’S WAR (30th Jan)
JORDAN 999 DASH MYSTERY (31st Jan)
JORDAN’S JOY AS ALEX QUITS (1st Feb)
JORDAN… THE MOVIE (2nd Feb)
JORDAN AND PETE KISS AND MAKE-UP (3rd Feb)
JORDAN FURY AT TOT’S BURN ‘LIES’ (7th Feb)
JORDAN AND ANDRE IN SHOCKING NEW PUNCH-UP (8th Feb)
WILD ALEX ATTACKS JORDAN (11th Feb)
JORDAN’S NEW HOT DATE (12th Feb)
JORDAN: PETE’S KILLING ME WITH LIES AND SMEARS (14th Feb)
JORDAN AND PETE BRITS BUST-UP (16th Feb)
JORDAN: MY CAR SMASH HORROR (19th Feb)
JORDAN: MY KIDNAP THREAT TERROR (21st Feb)
JORDAN: PETE’S STILL IN LOVE WITH ME (25th Mar)
JORDAN’S NIGHT WITH ANDRE HUNK (2nd Mar)
JORDAN FURY AT PETE KISS PHOTO (3rd Mar)
JORDAN DIVORCE TODAY: OFFICIAL (11th Mar)
‘QUEEN’ JORDAN UNSEATS ROYALS (19th Mar)
JORDAN PICS WILL MAKE PETE RAGE (21st Mar)
PETE’S LOVE CHILDS (27th Mar)
JORDAN: IF I REVEALED WHAT REALLY HAPPENED ALEX WOULD BE DESTROYED FOR EVER! (28th Mar)
JORDAN AND PETER: OUR SEX SECRETS WERE HACKED (21st Jul)
JORDAN AND PETER NEW JUNGLE RUMBLE (8th Nov)

We cared about the sexual and other exploits of Premiership footballers:
ANDRE: I’M IN LOVE WITH LAMPARD’S EX MISSUS (5th Jan)
ASH ON LASH WITH 2 BLONDES (1st Mar)
BALLS TO THE BUDGET (24th Mar)
ROONEY: WHO SWEARS WINS (9th Apr)
TOP ACTOR IN SEX ROMPS WITH ROO VICE GIRL (14th Apr)
ROONEY TART IS GANG BANG BOSS MOLL (15th Apr)
SOCCER SEX RAT MAKES ROO LOOK LIKE SAINT! (16th Apr)
ROONEY TART’S DEATH THREATS (18th Apr)
30 GAG ORDER SEX RATS NAMED (19th Apr)
SEX-GAG IMOGEN FLEES BRITAIN (26th Apr)
GAGGING SCANDAL BABE: I’M CRACKING UP (13th May)
IMOGEN’S £100K PREM PLAYER SEX PLOT (17th May)
IMOGEN: I WILL NAME PREM LOVER AND GO TO JAIL (18th May)
FURIOUS ROONEY THREATENS TO KNOCK OUT FAN (19th May)
IMOGEN FOOTIE LOVER SUES TWITTER (21st May)
RYAN GIGGS NAMED AS IMOGEN LOVE CHEAT (24th May)
WIFE SHOWS GIGGSY BED CARD (25th May)
GIGGS: HOW MANY MORE WOMEN? (27th May)
BUNG TO RIGHTS! NOW GIVE ENGLAND BACK THE WORLD CUP (31st May)
IMOGEN: SEX WITH GIGGS TURNED ME LESBIAN (1st Jun)
GIGGS 8 YR AFFAIR WITH BRO’S WIFE (5th Jun)
RAT GIGGS: MY SERIAL SEX CHEAT GAME (6th Jun)
STACEY GIGGS: I FORGIVE LOVE RAT RYAN (7th Jun)
GIGGS IS A SEX ADDICT… THE NEW TIGER WOODS (8th Jun)
GIGGS NEW LOVER NEW SEX PIC SHOCK (9th Jun)
GIGGS LOVER IN 3-WAY SEX SHOCK (10th Jun)
SHAMED GIGGS FACES JAIL (11th Jun)
GIGGS BEDS BIG BRUV ‘GEEZER BIRD’ (13th Jun)
GIGGS TELLS HIS BRO: DUMP YOUR SLAPPER (14th Jun)
RYAN GIGGS: IMOGEN’S £1M BABE SPREE (15th Jun)
GIGGS LOVER BABY BUMP (16th Jun)
GIGGS BEDDED BABE IN MY HOME (17th Jun)
I DRESSED AS FRENCH MAID FOR SEX WITH GIGGS (18th Jun)
GIGGS’ LOVER IN SEX ROMP REVENGE (20th Jun)
SEX ADDICT GIGGS GETS THERAPY (21st Jun)
GIGGSY LOVER GOES GAY! (23rd Jun)
GIGGS SECRET LOVE CHILD (25th Jun)
I’M GIGGS’S SECRET LOVE CHILD (29th Jun)
CHERYL AND ASHLEY’S BABY LOVE (4th Jul)
YES I’VE MADE MISTAKES. I HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT (5th Jul)
LOVE CHEAT RIO’S ELEVEN SEXY BABES (7th Jul)
TOO MUCH SEX TURNS GIGGS’ HAIR WHITE (12th Jul)
GIGGS KINKY FROLIC WITH BELLY DANCE BABE (27th Jul)
FOOTIE ACE RIO SPARKS WHITE HOUSE TERROR ALERT (30th Jul)
RANDY CARROLL (11th Sep)
ROON’S DAD IN FOOTIE BETS QUIZ (7th Oct)
OWEN’S BRO IN ROONEY BET PROBE (9th Oct)
GIGGS IN SECRET BUST-UP WITH LOVER (13th Oct)
GIGGY’S NOT A REAL MAN (14th Oct)
ASHLEY COLE’S SECRET LOVER (18th Oct)
FIREBERK – BALOTELLI’S £1.3M MANSION TORCHED AFTER BANGERS LET OFF… IN HIS BEDROOM (23rd Oct)
ASHLEY COLE ATTACKS CLUBBER (27th Nov)
TERRY RACE HATE CHARGE (22nd Dec)
PREM STAR BLOWS WHISTLE ON ORGE CHRISTMAS PARTIES (10th Dec)
IMOGEN: TRUTH ABOUT ME & GIGGS (16th Dec)
HARRY’S BENDER WITH BECKHAM (23rd Dec)

Oh and a Royal…
PRINCE ANDY’S THAI GIRL TAKEAWAY (30th Jan)

Our favourite TV show of the year? Well there’s I’m A Celebrity…
FREDDIE STARR STUFFED BY TURKEY (15th Nov)
FREDDIE: THEY THOUGHT I’D DIE (16th Nov)
FUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE (19th Nov)

Strictly…
ALESHA’S STRICTLY BET FIX SCANDAL (25th Sep)
McFLYING HIGH (17th Dec)
STRICTLY STARS AXED (18th Dec)

Britain’s Got Talent…
SUITS YOU SIR! (17th Apr)
COWELL CRISIS AS BGT SLUMPS (25th Apr)
BGT AMANDA RACIST BUST-UP (23rd May)
BGT IN FIX CLAIM SHOCK (3rd June)

Eastenders…
ALBERT SQUARE WALKOUT (9th Jan)

Oh and TOWIE… apparently
BIG FAT ESSEX CON (29th Mar)
ESSEX LOVE RIVALS REAL LIFE PUNCH-UP (30th Mar)
ESSEX AMY: MY RED HOT NIGHTS WITH PETER ANDRE (5th Apr)
AMY: I’M BEING FROZEN OUT OF ESSEX (20th Apr)
ONE’S ONLY WA-HEY IS ESSEX (26th Jun)
ESSEX STAR MARK FACING JAIL (4th Aug)
TOWIE MARIA – TRUTH ABOUT MY LIFE AS ESCORT (15th Oct)
TV MARIA DUMPED OVER SEX CLAIMS (17th Oct)
TOWIE STARS’ SECRET ROMPS (19th Dec)

Especially when things turned ugly…
TOWIE’S SAM IS BEATEN UNCONSCIOUS AND LEFT FOR DEAD (24th oct)
TOWIE’S SAM: I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE (25th Oct)
WE’LL GET REVENGE FOR TOWIE GIRLS (26th Oct)
TOWIE GIRLS’ STEPDAD ON GOLD HEIST RAP (2nd Nov)
TOWIE BABES: ‘WE’LL STAND STRONG’ (3rd Nov)

What else was there? Oh yeah that Red or Black thing…
COWELL’S £1M TELLY ROULETTE (8th Apr)

And don’t forget that really sensitive gypsy documentary:
A BIG FAT GYPSY FIX (17th Feb)
BIG FAT £10M GYPSY COMPO (18th Feb)
BIG FAT GYPSY TERROR (22nd Feb)
BIG FAT GYPSY DWARF (26th Feb)
BIG FAT GYPSY SEX SECRETS (28th Feb)
OUR BIG FAT GYPSY HELL (4th Mar)
BIG FAT GYPSY BLOODBATH (5th Mar)
GYPSIES GOT TALENT! (7th Mar)
BIG FAT GYPSY JUNGLE (10th Mar)

We only watched X Factor when we were convinced it was a fix…
FIX EXCLUSIVE: COWELL AND ME… THE TRUTH (4th Jun)
X FACTOR FANS’ DURY AS MISHA SAVED BY FAKED TEARS (21st Nov)
COLDPLAY FIX IT FOR JANET (23rd Nov)
FANS FURY AS GARY FIXES IT FOR MARCUS (5th Dec)
AMELIA: NEW FIX FACTOR FEARS (8th Dec)

Or when it didn’t work…
X FACTOR TULISA CHOPS 4 OVER SEX-FEST (17th Sep)
WHY I HAD TO QUIT X FACTOR (2nd Oct)
X FACTOR CRISIS AS GARY FLIPS (10th Oct)
X FACTOR IN CHAOS (22nd Oct)
WHY I’VE GOT TO QUIT (13th Nov)
COWELL GETS STUFFED FOR XMAS (20th Dec)

Or when they were all bullies…
TV LOUIS SUICIDAL OVER GAY SEX LIES (24th Jun)
X FACTOR BULLY SLURS RUINED MY LIFE (6th Dec)

Or convicts…
LITTLE MIX DAD JAILED OVER KILLING (4th Dec)

Or when we thought they were Jesus…
XMAS CRACKERS – SURVEY SHOWS KIDS BELIEVE SIMON COWELL IS MESSIAH… (21st Dec)

Or when they weren’t dead…
TELLY KING COWELL IS DEAD (2nd Jun)

Or when they could be dead…
COWELL DEATH THREAT TERROR (12th May)

Or when they took off their clothes…
COWELL’S X RATED SECRETS EXPOSED (2nd May)
SEX FACTOR: BOOT CAMP STARS IN SECRET JACUZZI ROMP (8th Oct)
X FACTOR KITTY’S £300K TO STRIP (19th Oct)
X FACTOR STAR’S GIVE GIRLS IN A NIGHT (20th Oct)
SEX FACTOR FRANKIE IS A RAT (1st Nov)
KITTY’S NEW SEXY SECRET REVEALED (12th Nov)
AXED KITTY’S 8-HOUR SEX-FEST (14th Nov)
X FACTOR KITTY STOLE MY LIFE (25th Nov)
BULLIES BOOBS BOOZE AND US – LITTLE MIX (13th Dec)

Or when they supposedly wanted to kill each other…
CHERYL AND PAULA’S SHOCK X FACTOR FIGHT (28th May)
COWELL GETS THE EGGS FACTOR (26th Sep)
X FACTOR TULISA DUMPS TOFFS (27th Sep)
TULISA: MY X FACTOR FIGHT WITH CHERYL (1st Oct)
X FACTOR KITTY KICKS OFF (16th Oct)
X FACTOR BABES NEW FIGHT NIGHT (4th Nov)
X FACTOR TULISA BREAKS DOWN (5th Nov)
FURIOUS GARY’S X-RATED RAMPAGE (7th Nov)
X FACTOR PARTY STREET BRAWL (15th Dec)

Or when they got ill…
COWELL’S CANCER VIGIL (20th Feb)
AMELIA – DOCTORS TOLD ME: NEXT SONG MIGHT LEAVE YOU BLIND (20th Nov)

Or when they were lesbian…
COWELL LESBIAN KISS SHOCK (14th May)

Or when they weren’t on it…
CHERYL AND DEREK: IT’S TRUE LOVE (3rd Jan)
CHERYL I WANT A BABY (23rd Jan)
JITTERY CHERYL IS MADE TO SWEAT (9th May)
FANS FURY AT DANNII EXIT (16th May)
SACKED CHERYL IN £5M TELLY DEAL (30th May)
CHERYL FEARS FOR HER LIFE (27th Jun)
CHERYL DYEING FOR IT (30th Jun)
CHERYL MOVES BACK IN WITH RAT COLE (8th Aug)
CHERYL DEATH THREAT (18th Sep)
CHERYL GETS £5M TV CALL-UP (21st Sep)
NOW YANKS WANT CHERYL (22nd Sep)

Or when they won…
LITTLE MIX STRIKE GOLD (11th Dec)
LITTLE MIX FACTOR (3rd Dec)

Or when they were rich…
COWELL BILLION DOLLAR MAN (13th Apr)

Or when they dabbled in some drugs…
X FACTOR FRANKIE AXED OVER COCAINE SHAME (9th Nov)
FRANKIE: I’LL BE STAR WITHOUT X FACTOR (10th Nov)
X FACTOR DROVE FRANKIE TO DRINK AND DRUGS (11th Nov)
FRANKIE’S SEX AND DRUGS DEN (18th Nov)
X FACTOR FRANKIE IN NEW BOOZE AND BABES BENDER (17th Nov)
FRANKIE: I’LL BE IN X-FACTOR FINAL (9th Dec)

In fact, we cared about anyone who took off their clothes
CLARKSON SORRY? NO WAY JOSE! (5th Apr)
WIFE FURY OVER SEX CHEAT CLARKSON (4th Apr)
TOP GEAR CLARKSON £1M LOVE CHEAT DEAL (7th Apr)
CLARKSON WARNED YOU’LL LOSE THE LOT (11th Apr)
CLARKSON: I’M JUST A BABE MAGNET (12th Apr)
ARNIE’S ROMPS MAKE TIGER LOOK LIKE A VIRGIN (20th May)
MUCCA TO SUE OVER LEAKED SEX SECRETS (19th Jul)
JESSIE FIANCE’S SEX TEXTS TO EX (28th Aug)
MY KINKY SEX ROMPS WITH ENDERS JESSIE (31st Aug)
SEX MAD SHEEN PULLS 2 ESSEX BABES (22nd Apr)
TOP GEAR JEZZA IN SEX PICS FURY (10th May)
CLARKSON’S 3-GIRL SEX HAREM (31st Oct)
LOVE CHEAT CLARKSON IS A RICH BULLY (30th Oct)
CHERYL’S LUST FOR TOYBOY RECORD BOSS (14th Dec)

Dabbled in some booze and drugs…
SARAH: MY BOOZE HELL (12th Dec)

Split up from each other…
DEC DITCHES GEORDIE (23rd Apr)
RUSS AND KATY SPLIT (31st Dec)

Or got back together…
KERRY: I DID NOT WRECK HUNK’S MARRIAGE (24th Jan)
KERRY: WHY I’M BACK WITH MY EX HUBBY (2nd Apr)

Or were in hospital…
GEORGE MICHAEL SERIOUSLY ILL IN HOSPITAL (24th Nov)
GEORGE WILL NEVER SING AGAIN! (26th Dec)
IT WAS NEARLY MY LAST XMAS (24th Dec)

Or had babies…
PREGNANT POSH PRAYS FOR A PRINCESS (10th Jan)
PETER AND ELEN: OUR BABY JOY (4th Feb)
WILLS TO BE BECKHAMS’ GODFATHER (10th Jul)
POSH’S BABY PRINCESS (11th Jul)

Or got married…
EASTENDERS’ KAT TO WED (24th Apr)
KAT SAYS I DO TO BURGER VAN MAN (15th May)
ABBEY EVER AFTER (1st Jul)
KATE AND JAMIE’S SHOCK TRADITIONAL WEDDING (2nd Jul)

Or died…
I DON’T BLAME BLAKE FOR AMY’S DEATH (13th Sep)

Or butchered animals…
VIOLENCE OF THE LAMBS: ANT & DEC ROASTED FOR SHEEP CRUELTY (28th Jun)

Or were mean…
GIRL WHO REFUSED TO RUB ANDY GRAY’S TACKLE (26th Jan)
SKY MEAN QUITS OVER NEW SEX VIDEO (27th Jan)
OUTCASTS: SEXIEST SKY PAIR ARE TOLD – YOU’LL NEVER WORK AGAIN (28th Jan)
CLARKSON: ALL THE STRIKERS SHOULD BE SHOT (1st Dec)
CLARKSON: I’M SORRY FOR SHOOT STRIKERS JOKE (2nd Dec)
CLARKSON SPARS NEW TELLY ROW (30th Dec)

Or were hacked…
ROO SUES OVER TART LEAKS (13th Jul)
ULRIKA’S RED CARD FOR HACKERS (15th Jul)
SAVAGE! TV STAR PAUL: I WAS HACKED WHILE ‘DYING’ FROM A HEART ATTACK (16th Jul)
BECKS: I WAS HACKED (18th Jul)
GOTCHA: MURDOCH’S MISSUS WHACKS LOON WHO PIES RUPERT IN FACE (20th Jul)
RAGIC JADE’S PHONE WAS HACKED (22nd Jul)
JADE’S DYING CALL TO MUM HACKED (24th Sep)

Or were outrageous…
BIG FAT GYPSY WAR (14th Mar)
GEORDIE FURY AT SEX AND BOOZE TV FILTH (26th May)

But wait… Weren’t there some great programmes on Richard Desmond’s Channel 5!
BIG BRO GOES NAKED – ALL NUDE SHOW IS ON THE WAY (15th Mar)
BIG BRO’S HOTTEST SHOW EVER (Apr 1st)
SUMMER OF BRUV (3rd Apr)
CHANNEL 5 ALL NEW BIG BRO: IT COULD BE YOU! (6th Apr)
TELLY AMY QUITS ESSEX FOR BIG BRO (3rd Aug)
BIG BRO GOES ON BIG BOOZE SPENDER (5th Aug)
BIG BRO BIG SEXY SHOCK (16th Aug)
WILLS AND KATE IN BB HOUSE (18th Aug)
AMY: MY BOOBS WILL WIN BIG BRO (19th Aug)
BIG BRUV AMY STEAMS UP IN SAUNA (20th Aug)
BIG BRO HUNK’S 5-IN-BED SEX ROMPS (22nd Aug)
BIG BRO’S BIG LOVERS (23rd Aug)
BB IN NEW BULLY SHOCK (24th Aug)
B BRO AMY: KICK BULLY BOBBY OUT (25th Aug)
B BRO’S MOST SHOCKING SCENES EVER (26th Aug)
SALLY: BB SENT ME BONKERA (27th Aug)
B BRO SALLY: I WANT PADDY FOR MY HUBBY (29th Aug)
KERRY: I QUIT BIG BRO (31st Aug)
JEDWARD TRASH BB HOUSE (1st Sep)
B BRO BABES THREE WAY ROMP (2nd Sep)
JEDWARD’S B BRO STRIP SHOW (3rd Sep)
BOMB NUT AT BB HOUSE (4th Sep)
BIG BRUV SEX WAR AS LUCIEN BEDS AMY (5th Sep)
JEDWARD’S BB BREAKDOWN (6th Sep)
SEX TEASE AMY GETS BB BOOT (7th Sep)
BIG BRO STAR’S 13-IN-BED ORGY (8th Sep)
PADDY’S THE BIG BRO WINNER (9th Sep)
SEXIEST BIG BRO EVER (10th Sep)
BIG BRO BABE’S SHOCK SEX SECRET (12th Sep)
PAMMY: RED-HOT BB IS TICKING SEX BOMB (14th Sep)
WHEN PADDY GROPED SALLY (15th Sep)
BB NAKED ROMP (16th Sep)
BB LOVE CHEATS EXPOSED (19th Sep)
BIG BRO BITCHES SPITE NIGHT (20th Sep)
LUCIEN’S LUST FOR B BRO BEAUTY (23rd Sep)
BB PADDY’S GOING TO JAIL (7th Dec)
EAR-SLICE ‘PHYSCO’ JOINING BIG BRO HOUSE (28th Dec)

We also predicted celebrities who didn’t turn up…
CHERYL’S NEW B BRO BABE (31st Mar)
ASHLEY COLE’S SECRET LOVER IN BIG BRO (22nd Jun)
BAD BOY CHARLIE IN BB HOUSE (1st Aug)
JORDAN BUSTS INTO BIG BRO (17th Aug)

Shame we couldn’t enjoy this year…
HANDS OFF OUR BOOZE DAVE – FURY AT CHEAP DRINKS BAN (29th Dec)
WITH BRITAIN IN CRISIS, LABOUR SAY BAN BIG BRO FUN (29th Sep)

At least there were some good things on at the cinema…
HARRY POTTER SAYS HALLOW (8th Jul)

And of course there were the riots…
ANARCHY IN THE UK (9th Aug)
HEROES – KILLED FOR STANDING UP TO RIOTING MOB (11th Aug)
OLYMPIC ATHLETE ‘HURLED BRICKS AT RIOT POLICE’ (12th Aug)
HEROES BATTER LOOTERS (14th Aug)

And the police were going to fight back…
WE’LL SHOOT THE LOOTERS – FIGHTBACK STARTS NOW (10th Aug)

But thank god Wayne Rooney came to our aid…
ROONEY: RECLAIM OUR STREETS (13th Aug)
THANK ROO FOR SAVING US (15th Aug)

At least it was hot…
RED HOT OCTOBER (30th Sep)

And people did get carried away with themselves…
BRITAIN’S WORST BINGE DRINKER AGED 15 (15th Feb)
HANGOVER OF THE CENTURY (2nd Jan)

Sadly, there were some tragedies along the way…
TRAGIC JO: COPS QUIZ MAN NO 2 (1st Jan)
JO YEATES MURDER: 32 YEAR OLD MAN ARRESTED (21st Jan)
NIKITTA MURDER: LOVER’S BEST PAL QUIZZED (10th Feb)
WAVE OF DEATH (12th Mar)
HALF DEAD (13th Mar)
LOST KIDS: CLASS OF 30 QUAKE CHILDREN WHOSE MUMS WILL NEVER COME HOME FOR THEM (18th Mar)
SIAN COPS FIND HER BODY (25th Mar)
SIAN KILLER FOUR POSSIBLE VICTIMS (26th Mar)
BECKS BOY IS KNIFED TO DEATH (14th Jul)
30 TEENS KILLED IN TERROR ATTACK (23rd Jul)
AMY IS DEAD (24th Jul)
AMY’S 24-HOUR SUICIDAL BINGE (25th Jul)
TRAGIC AMY KILLED BY ‘GIVING UP’ BOOZE (28th Jul)
AGONY OF ‘PHONE HACK’ SARA PAYNE (29th Jul)
AMY’S DEATH WISH (2nd Aug)
BRIT TEEN KILLED BY POLAR BEAR (6th Aug)
CRASH HERO DIES (21st Aug)
‘FORBIDDEN’ TEEN LOVERS DEATH TRAGEDY (28th Oct)
DAY WE THOUGHT MILLY WAS STILL ALIVE (22nd Nov)
FOOTIE ACE GARY SPEED FOUND HANGED (28th Nov)
TRAGIC GARY: WE MAY NEVER KNOW WHY (29th Nov)
SPEED: FIVE MORE FOOTIE STARS ON BRINK (30th Nov)

And there was as much focus paid on the people who committed some crimes…
CLUE TO JO’S KILLER FROZEN IN THE SNOW (4th Jan)
TRAGIC JO STRANGLED WITH OWN SOCK (6th Jan)
I KNOW WHO KILLED JO YEATES (7th Jan)
JOANNE KILLER TAUNTS COPS (11th Jan)
SCANDAL OF 150 MADDIES (22nd May)
KILLER WITH EYES OF A DEVIL (26th Jul)
FOXY KNOXY WALKS FREE (4th Oct)
KILLER DID XMAS SHOP WITH JO’S BODY IN BOOT (11th Oct)
KNOXY HAUNTED BY GHOST OF MEREDITH (6th Oct)
KNOXY’S SECRET £20M DIARY (5th Oct)
JO KILLER HOOKED ON PORN AND TARTS (29th Oct)

There was Maddie of course…
MADDIE: COPS BUST 12 CHILD SMUGGLERS (27th FEB)
200 KIDS SNATCHED THIS YEAR (7th Aug)

And of course some international affairs on the side…
£10M TO GET GADDAFI (6th Mar)
QUAKE BRIT SAVES 42 KIDS (17th Mar)
IT’S WAR (20th Mar)
GADDAFI’S HUMAN SHIELD OF KIDS (22nd Mar)
GADDAFI ON RUN WITH 40 VIRGINS (23rd Mar)
MAD DOG PUT DOWN (21st Oct)

Oh yeah. Bin Laden died too:
BIN LADEN WAS A RIGHT DOPE (5th May)
BIN LADEN’S HOME VIDEOS (8th May)

At least we weren’t worried about it…
UK ON NUKE BOMB ALERT (3rd May)
FIVE TERROR SUSPECTS ARRESTED AT UK NUKE PLANT (4th May)

And our military was adequately protected…
WE’RE IN THE SHIP (10th Apr)

Yet some people didn’t appreciate our military…
SHEER HATRED: POPPY-BURN NUTTERS BACK ON STREET (24th Feb)
OUTRAGE: SICK POPPY-BURNING MUSLIM FINED JUST £50 (8th Mar)

But at least some people had a good time…
£18 MILLION I’LL BLOW LOTTO (16th Mar)
LOTTO COUPLE ON THE RUN (17th Jul)
£101M LOTTO WINNERS – WE’LL MAKE ALL OUT MATES MILLIONAIRES (12th Oct)

And don’t forget Richard Desmond’s Health Lottery to enjoy too!
£50M LOTTO TONIC FOR BRITAIN (28th Sep)
COWELL’S HEALTH LOTTERY FRENZY (3rd Oct)

And some people had a good time on our expense …
WORK’S BORING AND YOU HAVE TO GET UP EARLY… (23rd Feb)
SPONGER: WORK IS JUST SLAVERY (9th Mar)

And look to the future…
BECKS ON ICE (26th Nov)

And of course… our optimistic political future
ENGLISH DEFENCE LEAGUE TO BECOME POLITICAL PARTY (9th Feb)

—

Were there any headline news stories about Egypt? Or the ‘cuts’? Or the even anything about the economy?

No.

There was not.

—

Here’s a wordle with all the headlines together.

Why do we celebrate New Years? Is it because it has been a great year? Is it because it has been a bad year? Or is it because you feel that you have to because you went out last year, or three years ago, or once when you were 16 at a pub underage and your mother picked you up at 12.15 in the morning when you were so drunk you were practically cross-eyed?

That’s the thing about the bizarre event. No matter your state of mind post-Christmas, whether that’s feeling financially screwed after spending twice as much on presents as you had originally planned, tired from the rollercoaster of your personal life and staying with your parents, or the first thing that I’ve said just here followed by the second thing that I said after that first point, you now HAVE to end it with what should be the best total night of your freaking life. You have to be surrounded by loved ones. You have to be at the best club or at least out of the house. All your previous New Years merge into some super bouncy castle orgy so you feel the need that you have to do something that somehow matches or is better than *INSERT THE NUMBERS OF YEARS* you’ve been alive.

But the thing is this, whether you want to accept it or not. New Years Eve, sucks.

Why is this?

Simple. Midnight is too early. Way too early if you are going out. I mean think of midnight in films and in those TV shows. It is THE climax of the WHOLE plot. THE WHOLE PLOT. And in real life there’s fireworks. There’s this expectation of snogging someone’s face off, or having the best time of your life dancing round various handbags on a nightclub floor. The purpose of New Years is that you have to be somewhere ‘cool’ and ‘fun’ for the countdown. It has to be perfect, and you have to feel perfect.

But it’s never perfect. You’re at home and you’ll pre-drink too late, you’ll look at your watch when you get to the venue and think “bugger is that the time already?”. You’ll then rush for drinks at an overcrowded bar with dodgy service, down one drink with your friends after you are moderately sober once more before the DJ (who has forgotten himself / herself that is midnight) panics and shouts “TENNINEEIGHTSEVENSIXFIVEFOURTHREETWOONE” before David Guetta “When Your Gone” blasts through the stereo.

And that’s it. NIGHT NIGHT.

New Years is an awkward night based around something you can’t control and its hard to get into the feeling of. IT’S WEIRD.

There is ‘the alternative’ to New Years Eve if you decide not to go out at all, of course, an evening in front of the tele. But not a normal night in front of the TV that tires you out and then you can toddle off to your own bed. OH NO. You have to stay up don’t you? You have to keep going past midnight because heading to bed beforehand would make you the saddest man alive. You have to ‘celebrate’. You have to ‘drink a bottle of wine’. You have to ‘talk in a bit of excitement about New Years with some of your friends’. You have to watch a ‘100 best bits of the year with C-list celebrities you either loathe or don’t recognise’, or an ITV drama about someone whose dead, then another drama or rejected comedy programme that will merge into nothingness… then, just when you’re wishing that we abandoned GMT altogether and moved forward in line with the French Jools Holland Annual Hootenanny!

a show that for 53 minutes just consists of “Wahey. We’re pretend drunk. We’re completely not live. We’re interviewing celebrity friends even though they’re not actually here on New Years Eve as they are at much better parties than this one. HOOTENANNY *HOOTENANNY* HOOTENANNY *HOOTENANNY* HOOTENANNY *HOOTENANNY*… I’M HITTING ALL THE KEYS ON MY PIANO AT ONCE. I’M HITTING ALL THE KEYS ON PIANO AT ONCE…..”).

Of course you could always watch New Year Live, a show that purely consists of Myleene Klass singing alongside a violin in front of an ice rink for 13 and a half minutes before low and behold BIG BEN AND THE FIREWORKS THEMSELVES. Unfortunately the laws of the Universe must state that somebody in the room with you will ruin it because at without warning they utter the words “Oh look at the fireworks. I wonder how much they cost? What a waste of money. Should have been spent on something worthwhile like hospitals.”

HATE.

IT IS NEW YEARS EVE. SOD OFF.

So what is my advice for New Years Eve? Have low expectations. Incredibly low expectations. Scrape the barrel of what a low expectation can be and then get tinnitus because you cannot stand the noise of the barrel that you are indeed scraping to lower your expectations.

Then hopefully everything will be less of a downer when, as it always does, it never goes to plan.

Or down a bottle of wine. DOWN THREE BOTTLES OF WINE.