I was diagnosed about three years ago, during the second year of my University study, undetected throughout my entire school life. If you have to place how dyslexic I am on some sort of scale, I’m approximately halfway between “he can write completely fine” and “OMG what has he just written down on that piece of paper OMG.”

If I could describe my dyslexia it would be like this – I can think and speak like most people just as well, but when it comes to writing my thoughts down a little ‘block’ comes into my head. For no reason whatsoever, I cannot copy what I have in my head on to the page. I just can’t. I have to add several more words to compensate for the word I originally intended to write down, so the whole thing ends up looking like spot the ball competition, but with my sentence structure.

Now dyslexia affects people in different ways. It can be a major block to getting through school and getting through work. However, dyslexia isn’t all that bad. In fact I ABSOLUTELY FREAKING LOVE IT. Here’s why:

1: I can only write as if I am trollied: I cannot write essays, I cannot write any formal documents. If I try to write in the third person you might as well put what I write into a blender. None of it makes sense.

However, there are no problems with me writing in the first person, in a chatty frame of mind, or to be more precisely, writing as if I have just had 18 Kopperburgs and I am about to make my move on you. The only way I can communicate in life, in writing, is if I am a total tool.

It’s weird, but I love it.

2: The fact that when you are in education you do get freebies: The rumours are true – dyslexics DO get freebies from the government. When I was diagnosed I received a computer in my bedroom, full to the brim of software to help me get over traumatising essays. It was a massive help.

The best software was Dragon, which allowed me to dictate my essay via. a microphone into Microsoft Word. “Brilliant”, I thought. “I can blast through an essay in about five minutes.”

But it was never really as easy as that. In fact there were one or two setbacks. One of which was that if you ever said the words “microphone on” it would turn the microphone on. If you said the words “microphone off” it would turn the microphone off.

That meant, that if you were in the bedroom, you had a radio on, and at any moment the radio said anything around the word “on” and a word beginning with the letter ‘m’ directly before that word, my computer would turn the microphone on, happily open Microsoft World and transcribe approximately 17,000 words for the next six hours, without your knowledge. I never had to iPlayer a radio programme as it just DID IT for me the previous morning.

3: The fact that as a dyslexic writer I don’t have to give a shit about language: I admit this can seem contradictory. Writers are suppose to be champions of the word as an art-form. We’re suppose to be into preserving ‘proper English’ forever, with the thought that if we turn our back on lecturing people about how it should be written for one afternoon, the whole language will be decapitated.

The fact is, because I’m never going to get it right, I don’t care about preserving the English language at all – this whole lark about ‘making sure that everything is grammatically correct with no spelling mistakes’. I don’t give a toss.

If you like to lecture about using grammar correctly and abide by the god like rules of Eat Shoots and Leaves, you are officially weird. What is the point of spending your entire life correcting other people’s language use (bar primary school teachers *they get high fives*)? Why do you get offended when someone starts a sentence with a ‘but’? WHY?

I mean, internet is currently pissing about a billion litres of words out every square minute. A lot not suiting to your standards. Face it. You’ve lost.

Not all of us did English Language and Literature to your University degree level standard. There is no uniform ‘style guide’ that reminds us the difference between affective / effective and so forth. My motto is “If you’ve got the gist of what the other person is saying or writing, leave it be. And if you don’t get the gist? Just nod and smile anyway.”

And if you’ve got one of those ‘I can only care about people who use it’s and its in the right way‘ on your Twitter bio, I hope an apostrophe stabs you in your sleep.

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Dyslexia can cause setbacks in numerous ways. It isn’t the same for every dyslexic person, and it isn’t just in terms of writing things down. For example:

1. Dates: We have a whiteboard at home where we draw on the dates in pen in pre-printed boxes every couple of months and add any special occasions or public holidays manually. So according to our house calendar between now and the end of June there are something like 8 Bank Holidays. Oh and May has like 33 days in them. And according to this calendar half my mates have their birthdays on a different date than they actually think it is on.

2. Names:  Now I’m not sure whether we have actually met or not, but if you have ever met me in the past, I’m sorry to say that I have already forgotten your name. I’m great with faces, I never forget a face. But literally… the first time we ever meet, you say your name to me, I shake your hand *PFFFF* it’s gone. I’ve tried writing down people’s names in my journal as a way to remind myself of your name, I’ve tried to do the Paul McKenna routine of closing your eyes, saying your name several times, twirling around, dancing the Lindy Hop to remind myself… nothing.

Now I could be crap at names generally as a means of habit, but just until I’m wronged… if I ever bump into you in the London Underground or wherever don’t be confused if I look at your face and scream “DYSLEXIA”.

3. Job Applications: As a manager at your top company, are you looking for a brilliant team-player to join your team? Somebody who is a great problem solver, with great communication skills, analytical skills? Somebody who thinks outside the box?

So why are you asking for asking for everyone to apply 100%… in writing? It has been claimed by scientists that a lot of dyslexic people have excellent problem-solving and analytical skills, but a lot of dyslexic people share a weakness, and that is WRITING. WRITING ABOUT HOW WE HAVE ALL OF THOSE SKILLS DOWN.

Now you might think – why not send them a podcast about why you would make a good employee? Why not make a funny little film? Why not doodle about all of your skills on a large FANTASTICAL BALLOON? Well in some scenarios it could work, but for big corporate giants that force you to respond to 127482648 competency questions… no chance mate. No chance.

Jesus Christ indeed.

THIS IS A TRAILER. Trailers are fickle things. They distort the contents, by exaggerating characters or the premise blah blah blah, in the hope that you are entertained or pissed off enough to actually sit down and give it a watch.

In fact the press release, announcing the show in January, actually looks quite promising. It includes statements such as that…

“The Exclusives will showcase the fast-paced and competitive world of magazine publishing, plus the kind of talent needed to make it.”

The candidates will be given working at Bauer Media (who publish titles such as heat, Empire, FHM, more! and Kerrang!), all very respectable titles. A quote in the press release by Abby Carvosso, the Managing Director of Bauer Media, is also very encouraging:

“This is a brilliant way to show the kind of raw talent and real skill you need to have to make it in the media today. This show demands total passion, dedication and expertise and the series will show what it really takes to create the most exciting magazines in the country.”

So it might be an accurate depiction after-all! It might highlight the difficult complicated cynical nature of the journalism industry. It might accurately show its competitive nature, how little everyone earns, how hard it is to get a story, how hard it is to get in, how boring quite a lot of it is and how at the end of the day, quite a lot of people actually despise what you are doing.

There’s just one thing that annoys me about all this.

One thing that has been really getting at my goat…

Why are the ‘candidates’ in this show, all look like they are rejects from The Only Way Is Essex?

Why are they including a woman whose talents include being able to lick her nose with her tongue, and a woman who shrieks “YOU’VE GOT TO HAVE THE BRAAAIAIIINNNSNSSSS”?

I KNOW that this is a trailer that I am basing my views on, and they may be more talented and experienced than what they are made out to be here.

But are ITV2 including people who are already incredibly talented and find it mindblowingly difficult to get in, so that they can have the opportunity to get through the door, or are they just going for idiots with no experience who would make good television?

If so, why are they getting this ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ treatment, whilst so many other would-be journalists remain out in the cold? 

Why is a career a competition prize?

What? The TITANIC SANK 100 YEARS AGO? Bloody hell, I mean there hasn’t been any reports of it in any kind on the television, or other forms of news media has there?

THAT’S RIGHT I WAS BEING SARCASTIC. The Titanic disaster has been practically unavoidable. There have been souvenir copies of newspapers full of stories about how many had died, there have been documentaries like Nazi Titanic and The Final Word with James Cameron that dwell on how it all sank, there have been debates and articles about it’s legacy and what it all means. And that’s before we even get to the Titanic drama on ITV, with production values so low it feels as if the boat isn’t out at sea, it is actually positioned in an overflow car park.

But of course reporting, reviewing and ‘drama-ing’ the tragedy isn’t unsuitable is it? We all aren’t gawping at the history of the tragedy in the same way that we gawp at a traffic incident on the motorway that involves a beaten up Ford Fiesta… Are we?

Well… let’s have a look at what’s on this week.

Titanic Real-Time

One popular way to follow the tragedy is via. @TitanicRealTime, a Twitter account with 66,000 followers, that allows us to “experience Titanic’s epic journey by minute-by-minute tweets”. You would think from a first glance that this would be an educational resource that would tell you how the disaster developed, but no, as it started at the start of the mission you get tweets from passengers such as “Barely slept last night. The beds were comfortable but the excitement is just too much!” and “Received a wireless message from La Touraine warning us of a thick ice-field, shouldn’t be a problem according to the captain!” What response do you immediately think of when you see it pop on your news-feed? Only four words – YOU. GUYS. ARE. FUCKED. 

It’s a bit disturbing when you think about it – the fact that when you are in a nightclub or at home late on Saturday night, in between of banter of The Voice and The X Factor or any random bollocks, you’ll see ‘pretend’ tweets of fictional people going “ARGH ARGH WE’RE DYING WE’RE DYING WE’RE DYING” in real-time, 100 years ago. But of course we want to learn, not be entertained. Not be entertained or gawping like during certain films in the Saw franchise. OH NO.

Titanic on Radio 2

If that doesn’t fit your bill, why won’t you have a listen to Titanic: Minute by Minute on Radio 2. That’s right, starting at 11.30 this Saturday night you’ll be able to listen to the whole disaster minute-by-minute on the nation’s favourite music radio station!

Now as it is live no preview discs are available, and I have to admit this does sound a whole lot more inventive than the normal Radio 2 late-night output of bagpipes on loop for several hours. However I am concerned by the fact that this disaster radio will be presented by Dermot O’Leary, who is best known for presenting The X Factor and not necessarily the sinking of large nautical vessels… with Penny Smith, from the heyday GMTV alongside Jeremy Vine.

Titanic… THE MEMORIAL CRUISE

Then there is the Titanic Memorial Cruise… a boat that is following the very same journey that the Titanic did 100 years ago (but of course going the whole way).

People paying thousands of pounds and travelling the same route and stopping at the same spot is a major tragedy, with many dressing up and frolicking around in the very same clothing on that era (like dodgy extras from Downton). This is a suitable way to cover the tragedy, apparently.

The media is lapping it up. The Guardian has been reporting it set sail, the BBC has a film crew on board highlighting the outfits that people are wearing on the cruise… Daily Mail too… with little criticism about whether it is right to do it at all.

I mean in 100 years, will dressing up in the clothes as we wore in this time and recreating a suitable way for us to pay respect? Is it the fact that as the last Titanic survivor has died as of 2009, the rawness of the tragedy has been removed slightly? Possibly it’s the fact that as of course there is no live camera footage we aren’t connected to it as we are with modern day tragedies. I don’t know.

What caused the Big Bang? Why are we all on this planet? Is there a God? What happens to you when you get sucked into a black hole? Will we ever be able to cure all known diseases? Will we be able to live forever? Why is Danny O’Donoghue on The Voice… ?

Bloody big questions.

HUGE questions in fact.

People are being paid to answer these questions whilst wearing big lab coats in some country somewhere.

And yes, they do have better sex lives than us. They are scientists.

Anyway…

Believe it or not, there is one question that out-rules them all.

One question, in fact, that is more important than all of these questions put together.

A question that we cannot answer.

A question that academics and the Government cannot answer.

A question so incomprehensibly huge that I am having to detail it out to you in short sentences, as if to build some suspense towards a relatively humourous conclusion.

The question being…

*Brace yourself*

WHY IS THERE A LARGE SPORTS DIRECT MUG IN YOUR KITCHEN IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 25 OR YOU WORK WITHIN A BUSY OFFICE?

You cannot remember buying it. It possibly arrived in the post once. You can’t remember.

Yet it is there.

It is there in every kitchen, awkwardly filling too much cupboard space, leading to the cupboard door being slightly left ajar every time you have done the washing up.

It is there in every office, used only once a month when you have a CATACLYSMIC hangover, filled to the top by coffee from the largest cafetière in the world before turning unusually cold within ten minutes.

It is there at every party, used to fill in some spirit when you are pre-drinking and are ready to go out, leading to friends and associates immediately assuming that you are an alcoholic.

Why is it so big? Do people who shop at Sports Direct have the need to drink three more times than us to prove a point? Why does it have its logo spread all around it?

Why does Sports Direct sell mugs? In fact does Sports Direct even exist any more?

SPORTS DIRECT DOESN’T EVEN SELL COFFEE. 

ATHLETES AND SPORTS PEOPLE DO NOT PROMOTE CHEAP SHIT PORCELAIN OR CHINA.

You open a cupboard at your home or in your office and you can see it just there…. staring at you.

It knows you are afraid.

Well it’s actually, depending on where you live, have happened or will happen, or is happening between 2009 and the end of April in 2012, but you know, sod off I don’t have time to adjust my writing for your own geographical location. IN FACT YOU KNOW WHAT I FIND IT RATHER INSULTING.

The switchover is actually quite monumental when you think about it. Analogue TV has been around since the age when you could only listen to radio via. a can of baked beans and some string, has never screwed up or become unfashionable (until the last decade or so) and was a universal technological innovation that we all loved, one that required no tip-top internet speed to acquire, no top-of-the-range system to purchase first. All you needed was a knock-off TV SUBSTANTIALLY DISCOUNTED at the Co-op (like a Sarny or a Tashibo) for £20 and you were set, set for life.

Now don’t get me wrong Digital TV has got its perks, many perks in fact (I’ve just gotten into a show on the Food Network where two female cooks in Washington make dresses out of cupcakes for no reason), but analogue TV had it all going on. Think of it. When the last signal switch gets switched off at Alexandra Palace (or wherever)…

1. Thunderstorms will be less exciting. When you were younger and a big summer storm was on the way (as in British Summer Storm when nothing will be damaged but all the pigeons will be startled), your TV signal used to f-u-z-z for about six or seven seconds every time a lightning bolt hit something within a thirty mile radius. You know, that farting noise when everything will go wiggily. Chris Tarrant’s head would turn red, then green, then red and orange within two and a half seconds. When I was younger, and was more frightened of thunderstorms than I am now, I would see the sudden movement of the TV signal going in and out of an approaching storm in the same way that the scared kid in Jurassic Park sees that bottle of water bounce bigger and bigger before that massive T-REX goes “RAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH IT’S THE NINETIES.”

Now, all you’re going to see when an apocalyptic piece of light rain in the horizon is your TV signal won’t fuzz, but instead some massive corporate logo announcing that you’ve got ‘no signal’. The blue screen of death will ensue. It is like shit weather has been brought to you by Microsoft Windows. AWFUL.

2. More choice is bollocks. Just like with Sky Atlantic showing the new series of Mad Men just to its cherished ‘Sky’ customers, more and more shows are going to be shown down increasingly confusing and vague valleys that only certain people can afford.

Think of the near future. Posh people across the land will cackle into their soy chai lattes about that new Bear Grylls thing that you cannot get on a basic subscription, you’ll spend your Friday nights increasingly soullessly flicking between ’4MUSIC’ and ‘VIVA’ minding the adverts whilst your Sky / Virgin friends are two-and-throwing across a musical pony fantasy land with a quad-billion of channels that rewinds and fast-forwards every PPI Insurance advert THERE EVER HAS BEEN AND EVER WILL BE.

3. Channel launches are going to be much less exciting from now on. The launch of Channel 5, when I was 8, was possibly the most exciting moment of my life. It was interrupted by my grandmother disconnecting the TV set to do the hoovering mind, but the other 35 minutes of watching a clock counting down on-screen leading to an unexpected appearance by the Spice Girls was an utter joy to behold. It was very much like the day when you were 5 and you were given a balloon at the opening of a local Woolworths, or the opening of a new shopping centre when ‘DJ Duncan’ will drop some beats leading to the appearance of some of the lesser known Gladiators outside an AllSports. Unforgettable moments that you’ll remember for the rest of your life.

But now what do have instead? A BILLION channels exploding and imploding simultaneously, with new channels with banal names like ‘TYCOON’ and ‘BACON’ and +11 bollocks, disappearing and reappearing without you noticing, or caring. No more balloons kids. It is deflated. Like your hopes and dreams.

LOL JOKES HERE COMES THE SPICE GIRLS.

4. Teletext is rubbish these days. 

Funky text. Jazz organ. BBC TWO. Late night. Pages looking like it was constructed by Lego on a bad day.

And what is BBC Interactive or Teletext like these days on digital?

It’s shit.

5. Working out how to use your manual remote control. The joy when you were younger of receiving a new bright and shiny modern television with what seems to be a home cook oven attached to the back, plugging it into the wall and sticking that other wire into a place where you think a conventional wire cannot fit, and then alas trying to ‘Find Channels’ for the first time.

No wait you’ve clicked on the colour settings.

Oh god its gone monochrome.

I know, I wonder what happens if I turn the ‘brightness’ to 0? Oh look everyone on TV looks like they’re in a cave!

Alright, you’ve got it back now. Maybe press the menu button to get back to where you were.

Okay now you’ve selected a button called ‘Variation’. Nobody knows or understands ‘Variation’ is.

Okay now you’ve selected a button called ‘Index Repositioning’. Nobody knows or understands ‘Index Repositioning’ is.

Okay you’ve now selected a button called ‘Manual Disc’. Nobody knows or understands what ‘Manual Disc’ is.

You do this for approximately three hours.

These days they’ve found all of the channels for you, like you’re a child who can’t have any control over anything any more. Okay on Freeview you still mess with a couple of buttons to get it working, but back in the day there was a level of unparalleled satisfaction when you’ve managed not to make every consecutive channel on your remote above the number 4 BBC TWO in a dodgy blender. No longer will you have the matter of whether or not you have Channel 5 within your part of the United Kingdom as a topic of conversation.

Progession. Don’t you just hate it?